I haven't blogged in a while. My life has completely turned upside down recently.
On Monday June 5, I was admitted to North Memorial Hospital in the Critical Care Unit for severe depression and suicidal thoughts. I had made a phone call to a suicide prevention hot line. While I don't believe that there is necessarily a cause/effect relationship, and though it was not the only one, I can tell you that my pain from LV and related issues was a large contributing factor to my thoughts and actions last Monday night.
I still have physical pain now. I anticipate having pain on the future. I was seen earlier this week at the MAPS pain clinic for pain management. I need now to learn how to manage my pain. I need now to be healthy in that area.
I feel very loved and supported now. Thank you all for you thoughts and prayers. I am sorry I put you through whatever it is that you are going through in my regard. I know it was a surprise for you. I can't say it wasn't a surprise for me. Not my thoughts, but my actions.
The Critical Care Unit was where I needed to be last week. I have a plan for managing my depression now. I didn't then. I have support and am utilizing it now.
If you ask, I will tell you I am much better. And that is true. I also have a long way to go. Thank you for your understanding.
I am now living with my mom and dad in the house in which I lived as a child. In some ways it's like growing up all over again. I feel like I have so much healing to do. I don't know what to say about my marriage. My wife Jenn has moved on mentally and emotionally. I feel like that rug has been pulled out from under me. My two daughters 16 and 10 are suffering. My oldest has been diagnosed with depression and anorexia. I know she is bulemic as well. She and I have been closer recently than ever before. We communicate all through the day every day now. We are trying to get help for her to get her eating under control and get her emotionally and mentally healthy. It's my belief that her eating is all about control for her. She needs more control of her life and her eating she can control. I am doing what I can do get her the help for which she cries out.
In some ways I am more in control of my life than I have ever been before. I make my decisions about what I do and where I am going. I am scared a lot of the time. But I feel like I am making progress. I am mature now. I am not the little boy that grew up in this house.
Medical insurance coverage is on my mind constantly. How much will all this medical and psychological care cost. I know I have a $3000 maximum out of pocket and I guess I should plan on that for now. Where that will come from I don't know. That is a large stresser for me.
The statements Jenn makes about moving on are very sad for me. I am not ready to give up on what we have spent years building. But I am looking at what I have and what I want. My thoughts and plans are day by day right now. which is up from hour by hour, where I was a week ago. I am making progress. But a long road ahead...
Just wanted you all to know where I am mentally today. I will be blogging about the facts of my condition and meds (which have both changed) separately.
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